Blair Capps gives you the Chumps of the Year!
Chumps of the Year
Wow, 2007 was a great year for Chumps. How will I ever pick just one to receive the coveted Fanatic Magazine Chump of the Year Award? We had them in all shapes and sizes: from delinquent, sandwich-throwing Florida Gators, to the entire Major League Baseball empire, to every team other than those in the Boston Area. Okay, so the Celtics lost a couple of games, and the New England Revolution didn’t win the MLS Cup. Nevertheless, the Patriots are going for 16-0 on Saturday, and the Red Sox escaped relatively unscathed from the Mitchell Report.
Speaking of the Mitchell Report, the whole thing seems a little superfluous. All parties involved, from the players, to the fans, to the individual teams, to the MLB commissioning office itself had an idea about what was going on the whole time. Yet tickets were still sold, merchandise was bought, and the only single player to receive any heat before the report was released was Barry Bonds because he is an insufferable jerk. Therefore I name Baseball as an honorable mention for Chump of the Year. Come on people. Roger Clemens belongs in a nursing home, not on the pitchers mound. The Rocket on Roids? How else would he be playing right now? Those players hit home runs for our enjoyment. I petition that we change the legal moniker of “performance enhancing drugs” to “enjoyment enhancing drugs.” That would solve everything.
The New York Knicks certainly deserve recognition this year. Isiah Thomas embarrassed the franchise before the season even started. Stephon Marbury and his ego made things worse once league play began. On top of it all, the team is terrible this year. There is only one franchise in professional sports that has fared worse; the disaster that is the Atlanta Falcons.
Everything and everyone else pales in comparison to the antics of Falcons Coach Bobby Petrino and convicted dogfighter Michael Vick. Petrino scampered off to Atlanta in January, leaving college football’s Louisville Cardinals for a contract with the Falcons. One of his early moves that befuddled Falcons fans was trading backup QB and former UVA Wonderboy Matt Schaub to the Houston Texans. This left mere mortal Joey Harrington to back up the godlike Michael Vick, hero to fantasy football coaches everywhere. I guess Petrino thought that he wouldn’t need a decent backup. I mean, he’s got Michael Vick for crying out loud. It’s not like the guy has even been injured, or played a bad game or anything.
Then came the punch in the face. Vick got slapped with federal dogfighting charges and missed the entire season. This has got to be the biggest fall in sports history. The guy had it all, but experts estimate he lost over $100,000,000 over the course of his missed season. Later on he tested positive for marijuana and had to be placed under house arrest. Let’s not forget earlier in the year when Vick was sporting his secret treasure chest water bottle. Jewelry container? Suuure. Fancy coincidence that his jewelry happens to smell like pot. Maybe the smell came from hanging around all those unsavory characters at Bad Newz Kennels.
Back to Petrino. The Falcons were an average team at best. Without Vick, their season tanked and fans were forced to watch a slow Joey Harrington and an even slower Byron Leftwich. I thought he was supposed to be a Vick-esque type of QB? He runs like Vince Young, but with a torn ACL. Arkansas came a-knockin’ at Petrino’s door after they fired head coach Houston “Yeehawgiggity!” Nutt. After 13 games as the Falcons head coach, Petrino split for the Razorbacks top spot. Not only did he abandon his team in the middle of a season when a show of unity would have been much appreciated by players and fans alike, he never even said goodbye to his team or explained his decision. He left them a short note saying that he left. It basically went something like this:
“Dear Team,
Peace out!
Love,
Bobby”
Thanks to Vick, the Falcons lost all hope of attaining a more-than-mediocre status. Petrino kicked them right in the teeth.
Another Bobby deserves some mention: I would be remiss if I forgot to congratulate FSU’s Bobby Bowden on losing almost a quarter of his roster to a cheating scandal and various other infractions. This once-mighty program has slowly crumbled over the past few years. I personally think Bowden doesn’t have much to do with the actual running and coaching of the team. If this is the case, then FSU needs to restructure their program to better reflect Bowden’s position as a figurehead. Thanks to this bowl debacle, head-coach-in-waiting Jimbo Fisher may not be left waiting for so long. | 
