Champ and Chump of the week...for last week...
Pop the champagne! Make it rain! Let’s celebrate like no other because UVa won a football game! That kind of rhymed…whatever. The important thing is that the Hoos won a game against a team in their division. Hopefully the boys can keep up the momentum this week against Lou “Shixty Shree Sheventeen” Holtz’ kid Skip and the ECU Pirates.
In the realm of other Virginia Sports: men’s soccer is on a roll, field hockey is legit, and Will Barker and that other guy on the football team were acquitted of stealing beer from the gay bar.
Rumor has it that since Tom “The Supermodel Slayer” Brady is out for the season, he and his Glamazon girlfriend Gisele Bundchen may be getting married. I know what you are saying. “But Blair, what does this have to do with Sports?” My friend, it has EVERYTHING to do with it. If Butt-Chin Brady reproduces again with a supermodel, that will be two superchildren walking the Earth. They will inevitably become starting QB’s for rival teams, and when they meet on the gridiron a doorway to another dimension will open, chaos will ensue, and the end of the world as we know it will be nigh. Or maybe not…
There are a couple of Chumpworthy candidates out there this week. I first have to mention LSU defensive tackle Ricky Jean-Francois. This idiot had the bright idea of stating to the press that he and the rest of the Tigers’ defensive line is looking to take out Heisman trophy winner Tim Tebow on Saturday in the Swamp. Big Mistake. Not only is Tim Tebow indestructible, but he will deliver a stiff-arm to the face of Jean-Francois that will take HIM out of the game. If by some miracle the Bayou Bengals manage to end Tebow’s participation in the game, they will immediately be mobbed by hundreds of thousands of angry, drunken Gator fans. End of story, and end of Jean-Francois.
Moving on up to the NFL, Pacman Jones is in trouble again. Okay, so today the Cowboys said that he will not be penalized, but it doesn’t change the fact that he was involved in a scuffle with his own security guard in the bathroom of a Dallas hotel. So much for trying to clean up your image, Mr. Jones. You are stuck as “Pacman” for the rest of your life. According to Wikipedia (that most essential source for everything you could ever want to know), Adam Jones was given the name “Pacman” when he was a child because his mother said he used to drink his milk faster than Pacman could gobble those little dots. Pssh. I was hoping it would be something really cool, like he gobbles up interceptions on the field or something. Pacman is officially a pansy.
This week’s Chump of the Week is Mets pitcher Ambiorix Burgos. Burgos has been accused of abandoning two hit-and-run victims late last month in the Dominican Republic, and now he must spend three months in jail in “protective custody”. Witnesses are saying tht Burgos himself hit the two victims in his SUPER BADASS HUMMER, but he says he was just along for the ride. It doesn’t change the fact that he left the two people there. The two women eventually died of their injuries. Apparently, some people in the DR are SUPER MAD about this, understandably so, and thus the protective custody. Burgos is also facing assault charges in New York, stemming from allegations that he beat his girlfriend. What a standup guy.
The Champ of the Week this week, is none other than our own UVa Football team. Yeah, Maryland suffered an Epic Collapse™, but it doesn’t change the fact that Marc Verica played like a Heisman winner, Clint Sintim beasted on the entire Maryland offense, and UVa itself finally found an offense. I officially less-than-three throwing the ball deep. Can we do it more often? I’m also glad that Mikell Simpson decided to start running north-and-south rather than trying to go around the corner and bust it loose for big yardage EVERY SINGLE TIME. I had a sign at last week’s game stating that “One Win Just Won’t Cut It.” Now I have to make a new sign (thanks guys). Any suggestions?
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