photo courtesy of wayodd.com
Back acne, swollen foreheads, obtuse torsos. These things have been prevalent in baseball for years. How could we not see this coming? The Mitchell Report (which we all know and love), a foray by the American government into baseball’s steroid problem, the death of Ken Caminiti… so many signs, yet so little recognition.
Until now.
Steroids and performance enhancers have certainly made their mark on a sport where the stars are fully visible and under the spotlight. Baseball as a whole has had it tough recently. From being a bastion of good hope during and after the World Wars, it is now in another fight against itself.
While the cause of this war is now well documented, it is a Cold War of sorts in how there is no real physical fighting between the sides. There was and still is, however, a Berlin Wall, between the game and its fans. Only time will tell if we all can break down this wall and return baseball to its preeminent place in America’s sports palate.
Punctuating the apex of this war was a space race, the competition to hit the ball to the moon. Also included in this confrontation was a red scare, started by Jose Canseco, a modern disciple of Joe McCarthy. After all this, can baseball return to its star status as an American sport?
The essential question now becomes: Is the ‘Roid Rage Age over? Can fans trust players and The League to do the right thing? I am not ready to answer that, so I have devised a few ways to regain the trust/make the return to legal baseball both less painful and more entertaining. Although fans may be quick to forgive, The League owes those who have been and are still loyal to the great old American ballgame. Here is a creative way they could reimburse our time.
The first step to payback is to create a new separate league. Let’s call it the TCMLB (Turbo Charged Major League Baseball). The next step is to let any player on steroids join the league (including minor leaguers, overly-aggressive Tee-ball coaches, and most likely, Brady Anderson). Also, the new MLB punishment for use of performance enhancers would be sentencing to a certain amount of time competing in the TCMLB. Those who were previously in the MLB must stay steroid free, which would let them see how it is to compete against cheaters like their (hopefully) former selves. If they remain clean, they may then return to Major League Baseball when their probation is over.
Those who are happy in the TCMLB and never had the skill to make it in the actual majors can stay in the league, risking both their dignity and their health, while providing a lesson for those more talented who have gone wrong. What I propose here isn’t a completely radical new idea.
Think of it as a hybrid baseball league, composed partly of the XFL (a yoked-up management made of former wrestlers and has-been/never-been footballers), the WWF turned WWE (massively artificial competitors and showmanship), Olympic Ice Skating (crooked administration and sequined outfits...okay, so maybe not) and the home run derby. In theatrical comparison, think of it as a hybrid between “The Longest Yard” (the Adam Sandler one) mixed with “Pumping Iron” (Schwarzenegger’s finest hour).
The centerpiece of the league would be fields that are double the size, designed to take away some of the competitive advantage the players’ drug induced inflation may create. The league would have less off-time in between games so as to nullify the enhanced recovery that steroids give the muscles. All of their games would also be played to a blaring, frenetic techno soundtrack. (It just seems right.) It would also make the fans, if there are any, quite uncomfortable over a three hour game.
The TCMLB could open the door to other leagues, such as one for the whole field for the Tour de France. The overall goal, of course, would be to make an example of those who are violating baseball’s drug policy, and set a good example for the baseball players of tomorrow.
Of course, this league should only be formed as a secondary move, after the creation of an extremely strict and improved testing policy for players in the MLB. The players should be playing for the love of the game and fanfare that comes with it. A drastic move such as this might just bring back the days of yore, when hot dogs were five cents and character and teamwork reigned supreme. Now THAT would be some turbo-charged baseball.
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